Jokes from Osho books

"Daddy, what is diplomacy?" asked little Bill, just home from school. "Well, son, it is like this," replied his dad. "If I were to say to your mother, 'Your face would stop a clock,' that would be stupidity. But if I were to say, 'When I look at you, time stands still,' that is diplomacy!"

A man went to a psychiatrist and said, "Doctor, you will have to help me. I can't help thinking that I am a dog. I even chew bones, bark, and lie on the mat in the evenings." Said the psychiatrist, "Just lie on that couch...." "I am not allowed to!" he cried.

To be master of your minds

Meditation makes you a master and the mind becomes a slave. And remember: the mind as a master is dangerous because, after all, it is a machine; but the mind as a slave is tremendously significant, useful. A machine should function as a machine, not as a master. Our priorities are all upside-down – your CONSCIOUSNESS should be the master.

Remember that you are part of the whole so that you can relax, merge; once in a while you can be utterly drowned in the whole. And that will give you a new lease of life. The inexhaustible sources of the whole will become available to you. You will come out of it refreshed; you will come out of it reborn, again as a child, full of joy, inquiry, adventure, ecstasy.

Right now my consciousness is flowing through the mind, using the mechanism of the mind to approach you. I can reach for you with my hand, but I am not the hand. And when I touch you with my hand, the hand is only a means; something else is touching you through the hand. The body has to be used, the mind has to be used, the ego, the language, and all kinds of things have to be used. And you are allowed to use them with only one condition: remain the master.

Never take anything for granted! Each moment you have to conquer it again and again. Life is a continuous conquest. It is not that once and for all it is settled and then you can fall asleep and stay unconscious and there is no worry left. Again you will be back in the same rut.

An intelligent person does not function out of his past experience; he functions in the present. He does not react, he responds. Hence he is always unpredictable; one can never be certain what he is going to do.

About Zen

Zen lives in the present. The whole teaching is: how to be in the present, how to get out of the past which is no more and how not to get involved in the future which is not yet, and just to be rooted, centered, in that which is.

Truth cannot be given; it is already in you. It can be called forth, it can be provoked. A context can be created, a certain space can be created in which it rises in you and is no more asleep, becomes awakened.

The function of the Master is far more complex than you think. It would have been far easier, simpler, if truth could be conveyed. It cannot be conveyed, hence indirect ways and means have to be devised.

Masters don't teach the truth; there is no way to teach it. It is a transmission beyond scriptures, beyond words. It is a transmission. It is energy provoking energy in you. It is a kind of synchronicity.

The Master liberates you from words, he liberates you from all kinds of imaginative philosophies. He brings you to a state of wordless silence. The failure of religion and philosophy is that they all become substitutes for real experience. Beware of it!

Zen cures you of your abnormality. It makes you again normal, it makes you again ordinary. It does not make you a saint, remember. It does not make you a holy person, remember. It simply makes you an ordinary person -- takes you back to your nature, back to your source.

Jokes From Osho books

"Whisky and whisky alone is responsible for your deplorable condition!" the judge admonished the drunken prisoner, who was a professor -- maybe a professor of psychology. "Glad to hear you say that, judge," beamed the drunk. "My wife says it's all my fault!"

A backwoods preacher was exhorting his followers about sin and morality. Finally he demanded, "I want every virgin in this congregation to stand up!" Nobody moved. Again he shouted, "Every virgin in this congregation, rise!" Finally a woman with an infant in her arms got up. "Didn't you hear me, woman?" yelled the preacher. "I said the virgins!" Replied the woman, "How do you expect a three-month old baby to get up by herself?"

A habitual drunk staggered up to the front door of a home late one night, and kept rapping loudly until a lady in pyjamas came to answer.
"Par'n me, ma'am," he lushes, "this is an emergency. Can you tell me where Mulla Nasrudin lives?"
"Why," she exclaimed, "you are Mulla Nasrudin yourself!"
"I know, I know," he replied, "but that still doesn't answer the question -- where does he live?"

Mulla Nasrudin was talking to a woman and saying great things, was getting very romantic. He was saying, "Your eyes -- never, never have they happened before. And your face -- it is just like the moon. And
the glow that surrounds you, and the vibe that you create -- it is the most beautiful thing that has ever happened." And he went on and on. And, of course, as women are very practical, the woman asked, "Are you going to marry me, Nasrudin?" Nasrudin said, "Please, don't change the subject!"

Being oneself

When you are not trying to become anybody else, then you simply relax -- then a grace arises. Then you are full of grandeur, splendor, harmony -- because then there is no conflict! nowhere to go, nothing to fight for; nothing to force, enforce upon yourself violently. You become innocent.

Just be yourself and remember you cannot be anything else, whatsoever you do. All effort is futile. You have to be just yourself.

A perfect man is a meeting of heaven and earth. That's what a perfect man is: meeting of the physical and the spiritual, meeting of the body and the soul, meeting of the world and renunciation, meeting of prose and poetry.

It is easy to become part of the society and get into the rut; it is difficult to get of it. And once you are in the rut, you start becoming afraid: What will happen if you get out of it.J You will lose money, you will lose this, you will lose that. But you are losing your life all the time!

Your live only belongs to you

Nobody else can decide for you. All their commandments, all their orders, all their moralities, are just to kill you. You have to decide for yourself. You have to take your life in your own hands. Otherwise, life goes on knocking at your door and you are never there -- you are always somewhere else.

You have to drop all those patterns that have been forced on you, and you have to find your own inner
flame.

One of the basic truths of life -- that which you have learnt can be unlearnt. That which you have learnt from others is nothing natural to you: you can erase it. Just a conscious awareness is needed; it can be erased and the slate can become clean again.

IT IS very easy to follow your parents, it is very easy to follow your teachers, it is very easy to follow the society, it is very easy to be obedient -- to be rebellious, to be on your own, is very difficult. But growth comes the hard way.

Life is possible only through challenges. Life is possible only when you have both good weather and
bad weather, when you have both pleasure and pain, when you have both winter and summer, day and night. When you have both sadness and happiness, discomfort and comfort. Life moves between these two polarities. Moving between these two polarities you learn how to balance. Between these two wings you learn how to fly to the farthest star.

Be an individual and pay for it. In fact, if you get something without paying for it, don't accept it – that is insulting to you. DON'T accept it; that is below you.

When you have felt and sensed your destiny, you see only your destiny.

Responsibility means freedom.

It is you in the final analysis, always you, the decisive factor, who decide whatsoever happens to you. Remember it. This is the very key. If you are unhappy, it is you. If you are not living rightly, it is you. If you are missing, it is you. The responsibility is totally yours. Don't be afraid of this responsibility.

It is good to help people; it is good to help them grow. Just one thing remember always: Don't help them just to be normal -- help them to grow; help them to become unique. Don't help them to become normal! Normal, they will be just part of a collectivity. Help them to become individuals. Help them to become rare, unique. Enjoy it!

About Consciousness

When you remember your self, you forget God; when you forget your self, you remember God.

First step is receptivity, because in receptivity ego cannot exist -- it can exist only in conflict. And when you are receptive, suddenly your faculty of imagination becomes tremendously powerful.

Once you have dropped the ego you have dropped all defeat, all failure, all frustration. Carry the ego and you are doomed to failure. Carry the ego and you will remain weak. Drop the ego and infinite strength starts flowing through you. By dropping the ego you become a river, you start flowing, you start melting, you start streaming -- you become alive.

By listening, by becoming receptive, one became imaginative.

Doing all without Ego

• You can succeed only with God, never against Him. You can succeed only with the Whole, never against It. So if you are frustrated, in deep misery, remember: you are creating that misery. And you are creating it by a subtle trick: you are fighting against the Whole.
• Try to make something perfect and it will remain imperfect. Do it naturally and it is always perfect. Nature is perfect; effort is imperfect. So whenever you are doing something too much, you are destroying.
• I am just myself. And I have no interpretation about myself, and there is no need. I am simply
  delighted in being myself! -- whatsoever that means. I am happy in being myself

Quotes

• Love is very accepting and very understanding
• Die for something is better than live for nothing
• The eternal is true. The temporal is untrue. Both are real. The accidental is also real and the essential is
  also real, but with the accidental you will remain in misery. And with the essential the doors of bliss open,
  the doors of satchitanand -- of truth, of consciousness, of bliss.
• Each man comes into this world with a specific destiny -- he has something to fulfill, some message has to be delivered, some work has to be completed. You are not here accidentally, you are here meaningfully.
  There is a purpose behind you. The Whole intends to do something through you.
• When you are aware, you are not in need of love. When you are not in need of love, you become capable of love. This is the paradox. When you are in need you are not capable.
• If you know exactly what you want, you only see that. Concentration comes easy.
  If you know exactly what you want, then the whole life and the whole world goes on its own way – you don't see it even. You go like an arrow You are not distracted.
• Once you accept the reality, you are relieved, released; the prison exists no more.

Whole philosophy of the religious man

I have nothing to do -- just to celebrate, let
things happen to me; just to dance and sing.' It does not mean that a religious man becomes inactive. No. He becomes more active, but in his action there is no effort, there is no strain, there is no violence. It is not that he becomes inactive, dull, lethargic. No. He radiates with energy, he overflows with energy, because all that energy that was being wasted in effort is no longer wasted. He has too much of it -- he can share. But now he functions as a vehicle. Now he has given his whole energy to the Whole. Now, wherever the Whole takes him, he goes. Now he is with the Whole and not against it.